I’m starting this as I feel lonely and sad lately and I want to vent or get my feelings or thoughts out for them to be witnessed / validated.
Unfortunately my social circle is limitted. My partner ended our relationship couple of months back. He was my first & only relationship I had. After the breakup I relised that emotionally & socially I feel lonely.
Yes I have people in my life but they are around when I’m in good state or suprefacially. My family live in another country and even with them it’s difficult.
I have been trying to carry on with my life but somedays like now, it’s hard and then I dont know what to do. I reach out to people, i cry talk explain what I’m going through but then i either get advice or I feel ashamed that I’m in that state, as If I’m wasting my life. People around me disappre, they know the state I’m in and that it’s hard on me, but they just dont call, ask or listen which makes me feel disconnected and more like a burden.
I try to look forward and think ahead, but I cant see a future. I hardly focus at work & I’m just living day by day. I dont know what to do, tried therapy but it didnt help (we didnt click) now I’m in search for another therapist but waiting list is long. I dont have energy to plan vacation & I dont want to travel solo either cause I’m afraid with my mental state I might end up with anexiety in another country
My ex-partner seems to be dowing well (I dont want him to suffer or anything & I always wish him good), it’s just him moving on makes me feel I didnt matter, or he forgot about us. I get that he was the one who took the decsion, so he is in control and probably detached long ago subconciously before breaking up but still I feel really sad and even myself esteem is affected.
Some people suggest starting dating, but it is not something I want or capable of at the moment, I have not tried any of the apps (again long relationship,1st one) and also I dont want or can imagine myself with anyone. At the same time I know that with how things ended and how he treated me at the end, trust & safety in the relationship are compramised severly but I cant or want to let him go.
One hard thing as well, is that I feel no one sees me, like I’m not noticed at work, in the street, in the gym and even my pain is fogotten by people around me. I see my family are carying on with their lives and sharing photos & happy memories while I’m left behind alone. Am I bad to feel that way ? Or is it just jelousy ? I dont whish for people to stop living their lives for me , I just want a check-in every now and then asking how I feel, feeling safe to talk about him and how much I miss him or how its hard for me to cope. I dont want to be pushed to look forward, love myself or see my worth. I dont want to hear negative things about him either. I want to share my fears and then hear that they are valid to feel or think this way. I want to say his name & to hear his name without being affraid that it will cause awkwardness. But what I really want the most is him for once sympathying with my pain (which I know is unrealistic cause he in a way treat me or think of me as history/ stranger now). I feel he is the only person that i can be myself around. I miss his energy, voice, safety i kinda felt around him. I miss his touch, miss my old life, miss myself around him. I miss sense of direction, future I built for us.
Finally, I’m looking for a guided support group to connect with people that are going through something simelair, but I dont know if these exist here in the Netherlands in english.